Thursday, April 6, 2017

Tape Headz Session 18: Return to Me (2000)

For 18, the returning tapes did a pretty good job staying in the running:

Return to Me - 96
Night Visitor - 44.5
The Watcher - 36.5
Amityville 2 - 25
Species 2 - 0
Little Man Taint - 4
Daffy Duck's Quackbusters - 4
License to Drive - 75

All the previous top four tapes were in the top four, with Return to Me grabbing the victory. The only two new candidates that really scored any points were License to Drive and Amityville 2.

This was another high scorer, which after Light Years and Tank Girl it seems that we're just picking better tapes in general. Things started poor when the MGM.COM sequence was the only thing like a Sneak-Peek on the whole tape, but it quickly turned around.

Some notes:

"His wife is dead!"
"David Allan Greer"
"Bagel guy"
"Zoom in on phone with tin foil heart"
"Hair implant guy"
"Sydney eats fries"
"Construction arms"
"You're one's going to notice your chest"
"Don't say stripper, God's listening to you"
"A priest?!"
"Hold hands"
"1/2 boobs"
"Brown banana"
"No Ralph, I don't touch men"
"What's going on with the senior citizens?"
"David Duchovny killing it"
"DD doesn't appreciate being confused with a monkey"
"Slutty woman doesn't stop dancing"
"Slow motion heart transplant"
"It's like a garden"
"DD gets slapped and kissed"

Everyone gave Sweet-Emotion four points. Whether it was all the old guys dancing or David Duchovny's wife dying in a horrible accident, there was a lot of emotion going on. Everyone agreed that cover appeal got a one and a half. It looks like every sentimental comedy-drama from the time, with the only thing setting it apart is David Allan Greer staring at you on the back cover.

Justin maxed out his scores on every other category not mentioned. Josh maxed out with the exception of 2.5s on Visual-Touchdown and Eye-Candy, while Crystal maxed out except for 2.5s on Visual-Touchdown and Spiffy-Scripting.

This is currently the third highest rated tape, making it the third tape in the past three weeks to beat previous champ Eyes Wide Shut. We've gotta go back to watching crappy tapes before people think we're like Leonard Maltin giving everything an A+.

FINAL RATING: 19.83333

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Tape Headz Sessions 15, 16, 17: Catching Up With the Tape Headz Crew

Session 15: Light Years (1987)

Flatliners - 20
Light Years - 155
Heavenly Kid - 19
Mortal Kombat Annihilation - 90
Getting Even With Dad - 20
The 6th Day - 60
Akira - 19
Last Action Hero - 75

A lot of people voted for Light Years. Getting Even With Dad was finally dethroned, and MK: Annihilation wound its way back into the mix after what feels like the bizzilionth time. The crown was taken by newcomer Light Years.

The following notes were taken:

"I will give my li-..." "Sylvain! No bravado!"
"Pew Pew Pew"
"Sassy Sylvain"
"The Deformed?"
"I don't steal, but I might borrow."
"Well, that's the end of you."
"Sliding on dick"
"Crab fighter"
"Thing sucking titties, titty mountain, buck boobs (?)"
"Three-eyed critters"
"Bird gets shot in face"
"Was Will Be Now"
"Visceral environments"
"Jennifer Grey"
"Glenn Close"
"Disappearing shirt"
"Body in foreground during head stealing"

It easily dethroned previous champ Eyes Wide Shut. The film ended with a whopping 20.2, which we thought would be the highest rating of any tape..but it wouldn't be for long...


Session 16: Mortal Kombat Annihilation (1997)

...but it wasn't going to be dethroned by this movie.

The Heavenly Kid - 20
Last Action Hero - 15
Mortal Kombat Annihilation - 110
The Island of Dr. Moreau - 0
Night Visitor - 79.725
The Man Who Wasn't There - 0
Project Metal Beast - 33.275
Tank Girl - 35

None of the last session made it into the top four excluding the winner: Mortal Kombat Annihilation. Justin and Josh gave it mega points, but were thoroughly disappointed by what ensued.

Some notes taken:

"This is not good."
"Annihilate 'em!"
"You do look good in mud."
"Misused Ermac"
"Black guy and bad guy"
"Destroy all expectations"
"It is glorious (jumps to talk to father)"
"You're gonna wish you were in high school." "Say what?!"
"Jax is sweet"
"Too many characters."
"Mr. Ed is mine!"
"Animality (animality) animality (animality)"

This movie was so bad that the Tape Headz Committee agreed to a new rule: the minus one point. Just as we were allowed to give a bonus point to a film, we're allowed to subtract a point for anything that's so spectacularly terrible. The only requirement: an explanation must be given and someone must agree and vouch for your lost point. Obviously if two people give one category a minus one, they're vouching for them, but formal disclosure of your reasoning is still required.

Josh and Crystal gave the Visual-Touchdowns a minus one for the dreadful CG sprinkled throughout the film. Justin put his on Spiffy-Scripting for the continuity issues between this and the first film, while also criticizing the poor pacing and the stories focus on Liu Kang's animality that went nowhere. Our lowest rating yet.


Session 17: Tank Girl (1995)

Project Metalbeast - 0
Tank Girl - 91
Night Visitor - 80 
The Paper - 25
Return to Me - 37.25
Mario Bros - 13.5
The Watcher - 51.25
Death Run - 1

Justin lumped a ton of points onto Tank Girl, which everyone was grateful for in the end. We also made leftover nachos.

Some notes:

"You buttsmear!"
"Drinking his enemies"
"The moment I feel teeth, you feel lead"
"2 friend scares"
"1 enemy scare"
"Like a piece of cheese at the end of a fishing hook"
"Rippers scene"
"You're so beautiful it makes me sick"
"Background dialogue"
"I say we hump 'em!"
"Ain't gonna be no crumpets and tea!"
"Found kid"
"Iggy Pop"
"Skulls scene"
"Bow and arrow"
"Bush, Portishead, Hole, L7, Bjork"
"The script is good!"
"Wanker t-shirt"

Things started iffy with a pair of crappy trailers, but things really turned around when the film actually started. With a great cover that earned nothing less than two points, everyone quickly filled up the rest of the score sheet. The only real question was where were the bonus points going. Justin put a full extra on Visual-Touchdown, while Josh and Crystal both slapped two bonus halves on Hip-Tunes and Spiffy-Scripting. The film was like a Tape Headz dream come true, and everyone was elated as heck at the end of the session. Tank Girl is our new champion!

FINAL RATING: 22.16666666