Thursday, June 1, 2017

Tape Headz Sessions 19 through 37: a VHS Odyssey in 3000 Words

Tape Headz has been very active, while the blog hasn't been. This post will go over dozens of tapes that we've recently watched, highlighting important moments and changes to the format.

Tape Headz Session 19: The Watcher

Going up against biggies like Night Visitor and License To Drive, the Watcher got a pretty dominant lead in the Tape Headz vote of 115. Many scenes, like breaking into a car with a toilet, a chase scene that involved four separate chases at once, and a massive gas station explosion lead to a lot of big points. It had some good Sneak-Peaks, and everyone also love the hip Rob Zombie tunes in the soundtrack. Keanu killed it.

Final Rating: 17.8333

Tape Headz Session 20: License to Drive

Justin pretty much lumped all his points to get this voted for the past couple sessions. This also started the incredible journey of the Incredible Journey, a tape that would be nominated for quite a while. It got 91, while License to Drive inched in with 95. Blob got 1 point.

There's a lot of great moments:
A BJ fake out
"I think it's great to be an American" *high five*
"Well, he's old"
Dive out of bus to drive with slut
Hippie mom and Heater Graham = eye candy

The year end awards were also discussed initially at this point. These should be coming around July 1st. More info to come!

Final Rating: 16.6666

Tape Headz Session 21: The Mighty

There's a lot to like about The Mighty. It inched in over a stacked top 4: Last Unicorn (75), Night Visitor (80), and Incredible Journey (71). Mighty, with 93 points, took the win.

Some moments from the film we all enjoyed:
James Gandolfini
Gillian Anderson
Meat Loaf
The Incredible Ice Cream Suit trailer
Crippled white boy can jump
Culkin boy
Happy firework scene
Sewer cover scene
Flipping off waiter
Coffee scene
"He's gonna get a taste of real justice!"
Gun = real justice
Freak about to get laid

Final Rating: 15.375

Tape Headz Session 22: The Last Unicorn

This was rated immediately after the previous session. The point disparity was a little crazy this time. Last Unicorn got 110, Incredible Journey got 98, and Last Action Hero got 74. The lowest tape, Battle for the Planet of the Apes, got a super low .001. This might be the lowest rating in Tape Headz history.

We loved this movie! Some moments:
"Have a taco!"
Schmendrick motorboating
Captain Cat
Sweet Momma Fortuna
Red Bull
Molly sees unicorn
Crying squirrel
Jeff Bridges
Mia Farrow
Tree boobs
Naked unicorn that...that be nice.

Final Rating: 16.5

Tape Headz Session 23: Late Bloomers

This was the third tape we rated in a row, and we basically only did it to watch this film. It was both amazing and insanely bad. The main draw was the cover: two women super imposed on some grass playing basketball, with a terrible logo and a huge head in the corner laughing and an enormous basketball net. It probably received the most points of any tape ever at 345!!! The cover was awful by some standards, but Sean and Josh gave it a 4 while Crystal gave it 0 and Justin gave it -1.

Some famous moments:
"I'm not too old to mash!" (while crowd of kids are moshing)
"Fuck the constitution!"
"Do you love him?" "Yeah, duh! I love his music."
"Marriage is a great institution"
Naked basketball
Charles Manson shirt
Automatic Assault Weapon as Hip-Tune of the year contender
Cookie thrown at lesbian/Cookie concussion
No one believes lesbian affair reveal
"Muff diving?!"

The points were all over, with a 19, 16, 7.5, and 5.5. Truly a controversy.

Final Rating: 12

Tape Headz Session 24: Last Action Hero

Last Action Hero and Incredible Journey both got 100, while Broken Arrow was third with 92. Last Action Hero won the coin flip. The fourth position tape, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, got only 4 points! Two tapes, Blob and Street Fighter The Movie, both got 0, and others only had one or two. Insanity!

Some famous scenes:

"Nobody is going to tell this sweet prince what to do!"
Engineered by the best magician in Indiana
"What do I see in this sad sack of doggy poo?"
Pull the finger on fart to detonate nerve
Whiskers voiced by Danny Devito
Arnold exercise ad trailer
Sad Arnold
"I just shot somebody. I did it on purpose."

Final Rating: 18.1666

Tape Headz Session 25: The Incredible Journey

On it's sixth time in the top four, Incredible Journey won out with 169.725 points. And thus ended the Incredible Journey of the Incredible Journey.

This scored pretty high. Here are the highlights:

Rex Allen
Cat vs. Bear
Cat vs. Lynx
Cuckoo clock song
Porcupine scene
Cat catches fish
"Imacat" song
Shooting at dog in trash can with shot gun

With so few written highlights, it's hard to see why it scored so high. It's just a cool movie.

Final Rating: 19.8333

Tape Headz Session 26: Night Visitor

This was a very, very pleasant surprise. We had put this up to vote a few times, but we didn't expect the hormonal teenage comedy turned slasher turned satanic psychological thriller that is Night Visitor. our score sheets are literally covered in quotes and comments!

Some of them follow:
Ross's dad
The Wonder Car
Mr. Debaro
Retard Guy
Mr. Willard
Wink during sexy
Beer exploding
Burst through window (We all literally SCREAMED when this happened. It was terrifying considering the film's tone leading up to this moment. Justin's wording for this moment was "Everyone is scared")
"May the dead rise!"
"What a tramp!"
Exploding fart
Window throat slit
More Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark
Terminator poster
Goat scare
Omen music satanis
"Mellow out man, c'mon."
"Butt sniff!"
Scary man grab
Free frame!
Premature ejaculation (For some reason this is written on several of the previous sheets Crystal turned in? I only noted it now because it's very, very clearly written in big letters)
Video gaming

Final Rating: 21.333

Tape Headz Session 27: My Big Fat Greek Wedding

This was floating around in the top 4 for a while, so it made sense that everyone's interest piqued. You Got Served enters the top 4 for the first time and takes the number 2 spot.

Some fabulous tidbits:
Joey Fatone
Duck walk into elderly attack
Jeff Bridges guy
All the babes
"They bought us a house"
"I'm Greek now!"
"I have three testicles."
"No more punching Uncle's nads!"
"My toe was as big as my face!"
"I love him." "Eat something."
Joey Fatone threatening to kill somebody.
"Woe to me, business is bad"
"You fixed it!"
Pagan dinner
Aunt lumps
Stud man
Moose ka-ka
Twin lump story
Sitting with popular girls
Dad came up with it!

Crystal and Justin both gave their bonus points to Sweet-Emotion, which was also the only category Josh got 3 in. Crystal and Justin were at 3 or 2.5 for most of their categories, although a lack of Sneak-Peaks dragged the score down.

Final Rating: 15.8333

Tape Headz Session 28: The Paper

This session is very important for a number of reasons. It's the first time Space Adventure Cobra entered the top 4 before it's fateful viewing (see Tape Headz Session 30). More importantly, it created a new ceremony for our voting: we now listen to Randy Newman's Oscar-nominated song from this film called "Make Up Your Mind" while we're deciding which tape to watch.

The rule goes like so: we must listen to the song once through, beginning when we start to vote. If everyone is done voting by the end of the song, we go over our scores. If one or more people are not done, we play the song again. When that person or persons say they're done, we stop the song. If the song ends and that persons not done, their vote is voided. This gives everyone about 6 minutes 30 seconds to cast their votes.

Oh, and The Paper was pretty good! Check out these musings from the Tape Headz crew:
Robert Duvall
Randy Quaid
Glenn Close
Mike Keaton
Bonding with Jason Alexander
Clint Howard
Dead whities
Keaton freak out
Cowboy Way trailer
"Shut...the FUCK up!"
"Man says fuck you to his wife"
Fuck yourself scene
The mob!
Glenn Close stops the presses
Alone baby
"I got it!"
Slow motion breakdown
Kicking fight

Final Rating: 14.5

Tape Headz Session 29: You Got Served

Josh gave this 90 points so it won. Everybody enjoyed watching the film, but everyone agreed it was dreadful.

The quotes are somewhat revealing:
"We 'bout to get paid!"
"You having sex? I diapered it, I can ask about it!"
History of boofing his boi's sisters
"You know what they say! Hot Choc-o-Latte make the pain go away!"
"You're bugging me out."
Crimin' it up
Grab sister/punch
Black Godfather
Mr. Chuck
Weird slomo girlfriend
Some dancing
Lil Saint's death

Final Rating: 10.1666

Tape Headz Session 30: Space Adventure Cobra

This was surprising for everyone involved, and there's not really any way to describe it without actually being there.

This tape received a perfect score from all four people involved.

We've discussed the possibility of a perfect tape for a long time. The problems related to this are numerous: what if it has no trailers? If the cover isn't up to snuff, then you know everyone's going to knock it down.

But Cobra did it. Here's some of the things we wrote:
"I'd hate to kill you after making love."
"Oh shit!"
Sexy Gold Crystal Boy
Fight with the head
"Please, don't cry.."
Cobra's in love
Sister kills Jane
Music video
Bubble buddah

The music video at the end is what pushed the tape over the edge. A song by '90s power pop practitioner Matthew Sweet, it flashes all kinds of anime boobs and space travel images over his eyes and mouth as he sings the song.

Here's some testimonials.

Justin: "It was exciting, but also made me anxious to know if everyone else thought it was perfect After all the scores were revealed I felt a sense of joy sweep over me!"

Crystal: "It was like a constant orgasm for my eyeballs. I enjoyed so many moments from the movie that it was almost like I had to hold back points at times in order to not bust my load too early. or...prematurely ejaculate."

Josh: "I think Sean shared his score last, and when he said 25 I just wanted to dance naked in the streets."

Sean: "I actually felt really drowsy after about 15 minutes in. This had nothing to do with the tape though. I remember laying there like a slug, thinking, "man, this tape is sick". After about the hour mark I started to feel really energetic and was fully transfixed by the space adventure cobra. I popped when the music video came up after the movie, as the importance of that to the tape receiving a perfect rating cannot be understated. Besides the music video, the fact that I was able to stay awake was a testament to how awe-inspiring the space adventure cobra truly is."

Final Rating: 25

Tape Headz Session 31: The Mirror Has Two Faces

This was nominated a few times before, but stormed the gates this time. With a whopping 203 points out of five person pool, it was a fun, light film after watching the perfect tape.

Some notes:
Jeff Bridges
Singing guy
PJ gun (?)
Dude's voice
I've raised too daughters, buried my husband, I've made my coffee
You don't need any of that, Rose
Got any Scotch?
No mate party
Spying on Barbara
"We're eating at the same table!"
"You don't need any of that" (Jeff on Barb wearing make up)

This tape suffered from no Sneak-Peaks.

Final Rating: 15.85

Tape Headz Session 32: Zeiram

Back when we watched the Killer in session 14, we saw the amazing Zeiram trailer. Justin broke down and bought it on eBay. After rating it, Crystal bought all three OVAs of a spin-off anime and Justin got Zeiram 2.

It was worth the wait, and frankly the Tape Headz crew has been putting off watching the sequels because of it. Zeiram 2 has not yet been nominated for a session, but when it does, it will be a wonderful time.

Some notes:
Eye explodes
Pole throw
Vomit man
Baby face man
Laughing guy
Zeiram as Eye-Candy
Zeiram's titty
Post view
Face on monster
Brain thing
Super cool opening
Roach eating
Gilbert Godfrey
White face smiling
Driving intro
Fight with Zeiram
"You're a stupid jerk"
"They might pull our license for this"
"We land somewhere else and we're dead meayt!"
"It's Sunday and I don't want to work, then this gorgeous babe walked by!"
"If it's more work for you, tell him no"
"Don't worry about me. I'm from the power company."
"He's about as funny as a sneeze!"

A self-professed notoriously low scorer kept this from being in the 17s, so instead we've got...

Final Rating: 14.875

Tape Headz Session 33: Friends and Lovers

Josh gave this 80 points so it won. There's a ton of cool stuff in this film, but it's not particularly good. Many points were erased or minus points were given.

The notes:
Stephen Baldwin
Robert Downy Jr.
Black guy who turns gay
Giant penis (they legit show this guy's penis on screen. It's a pretty big flaccid penis.)
Exploding microwave
Long tongue
That dick
Lips = erect nipples squared.
Hans song. "Hands read her hands/now she wants me in her pants"
"Be careful dude."
RDJ dropping the accent
I just can't keep still song

Points were liberally subtracted for a dreadful story, specifically anything related to the chick from Two Guys and a Girl. There's this one scene where she's just crying while her brother holds her. Two seconds later it cuts and she's naked in a bed with her new boyfriend. The opening song is absolutely dreadful, but some of the other cool Friends rip-off songs are intriguing.

Final Rating: 9.666

Tape Headz Session 34: Copy Cat

This was also bouncing around the top 4 for a while. We talked about exciting the tape would be for a minute, but junk or higher priority items kept taking the lead. Justin's announcer voice had a really great way of blurting the title.

The perks of Copy Cat:
Ladies 'n' nips
Sigourney Weaver
Holly Hunter
Killer shadow
Scary video
"That's one strange ranger!"
"The upside of that is I don't give a fuck."
"Yeah Panties!"
Screeching noise
Getting the paper
Leaving apartment agoraphobic freak outs
Cops death
Sigourney's love interests.
"Squirrel covers"
Head explodes
David Bowie Fame
Cop actor's guild

Final Rating: 14

Tape Headz Session 35: Only You

While Josh foolishly lumped points onto less than stellar prospects like Simpatico and House of Dark Shadows, Crystal and Justin picked Only You, adding more to both our Robert Downy Jr count and our romantic comedy count.

Some of the cooler elements:
"Your destiny is two dollars."
"If I had that dress, I'd give it to someone."
Classy guy
Marisa Tomei
Billy Zane
Short Ciruit guy
Robert Downy
I'm Damon Bradly
"I love trees."
Silly love song
Plane scene
Leaving husband
Old foot patient
Penis and tentacles statue
Red sox

Final Rating: 15

Tape Headz Session 36: Star Trek Generations

This tape won because Josh gave it 67 points.

This tape became the topic of some dark controversy. No one, not even Josh wanted to watch the film. A potential veto almost came up, but we grit our teeth and watched the film.

It wasn't as bad as we initially thought. Some of the goodies:

Tank Girl guy/Malcom McDowell
Reading Rainbow guy
Guy flies
Exploding ship
Ramada trailer
Handsome beard man
"Oh my."
Emotion chip
Data's Jam about life forms
"Yes! Yes! Woof!"
"I hate this, this is revolting!"
"Human females are so repulsive!"
Klingon sluts
Bird of prey decloaked
Kirk's death 20 minutes in
Data pushes sluts into water
"Remove plank!"

Everyone agreed that it was better than we initially thought, but it still scored low.

Final Rating: 11.8333

Tape Headz Session 37: Doc Hollywood

The last one from our recent burst in activity. The scores for this, and thus the tapes leading into our next session follow:

A Life Less Ordinary: 29
Alien: 95
Doc Hollywood: 125
The Transformers The Animated Movie: 15.5
Lord of Illusions: 5.275
Strictly Ballroom: 20
The Barber: 9.5
Game Day: 5.725

This makes the top four going into the next session Alien, A Life Less Ordinary, and Strictly Ballroom.

The highlights:
"Only one of them horny. I ain't tellin' you which one.."
"Panties are optional."
"Oh crap, I'm doomed!"
Peeing in the woods (as Eye-Candy)
"What I wouldn't give to be a young man on the road. Foot loose and fancy free!"
"Is that a star? No, it's Ted Danson."
Michael J Fox
Melvin's rap
"Nice pig, doc!"
"What? Dead again?"
"I hate a tight hat."

Justin maxed out his points in Kool-Kasting, Visual-Touchdown, Eye-Candy, and Sweet-Emotion, while Crystal maxed out Spiffy-Scripting and a few others. Everyone all felt the cover was lacking, with it's strange two poster mashup that just didn't work. The lack of Sneak-Peaks also dropped it a little low.

Final Rating: 15.5

With that, Tape Headz is up to date! But will it stay that way...? Only time will tell.

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