Tape Headz Session 12: Groundhog Day (1993)

Not so long ago, it felt like Groundhog Day was on TBS every afternoon. It was like a big in-joke in the studio: just like Bill Murray was stuck in the same repeated loop for 11,000 (or somewhere around 30 years), we'd be watching it over and over for close to eternity.

So when Crystal said she wanted something either comedy, drama, or horror, he went straight for the Groundhog Day.

You won't believe how the points went:

September 30th, 1955 - 0

You've Got Mail - 0

Flatliners - 0

Mortal Kombat Annihilation - 33

Getting Even With Dad - 33

Space Adventure Cobra - 33

Hard N Heavy Vol. 10 - 100

Groundhog Day - 101

Groundhog Day won by one point. Returning films September 30th, 1955 and You've Got Mail (sealed with a mouse pad) were knocked out of the running. We gave Space Adventure Cobra a by in the coin flip to determine the three way tie for third and fourth place, and Getting Even With Dad beat out MK Annihilation. 

The first thing we noted was how bad the cover was: Billy Murray's stuck in a clock and seems pretty complacent about it. Meanwhile, if you note the size of the chick, her head's like three times smaller than said clock. If that's the case, imagine how big that window actually is, especially considering the enormous drape. Even worse, the film takes place on Groundhog Day, a winter event, but the background looks like an autumn dusk. Really, really strange design decisions.

Justin was surprised with how much he enjoyed the film. He jotted down the most stuff-he-loved notes:

1. Phil kills the groundhog

2. "She's fun, but not my kind of fun."

3. Booing a groundhog

4. "Is it snowing in space?"

5. "Wuhuhuhuh" -Ned

6. Phil the cop killer

7. Creepy Bill Murray gets slapped over and over on Groundhog Day.

Justin was prepared to give the film three full points plus the bonus for Spiffy-Scripting, but was severely disappointed by the ending. 

Josh awarded Sneak-Peaks the bonus point, with three full Sneak-Peaks. The Pickle in particular wowed the crowd, an R-rated film about a man making a film about a flying pickle.

Crystal only gave the film one Eye-Candy point, but otherwise gave most things two and with a couple threes.

In the end, Justin gave it a 19, Crystal gave it 17, and Josh gave it 16. This leaves Space Adventure Cobra, Getting Even With Dad, and Hard 'n' Heavy Volume 10 for the next session.

FINAL RATING: 17.3

Tape Headz Sessions 9, 10, 11, and State of the Union

Tape Headz has been on indefinite hold while I sorted out my career change from mild mannered teacher to entrepreneur, but now that things are starting to calm down, I think it's time that Tape Headz made a comeback.

Session #9 was the Hobbit, which scored 15 points with five in attendance. Some voted 19, some voted 11, balancing it out to an average-ish score.

#10 was Jack's Back, which scored a reasonable 11.6.

The last Tape Headz (#11) was The Cool Surface starring Robert Patrick and Lois Lane. It won on a three way coin flip and scored 16.5, an admirable score for such a weird movie.

The remainders from the last top four are September 30th, 1955, the Space Adventure Cobra, and You've Got Mail. We'll be back soon!

Tape Headz Session 8: Eyes Wide Shut (1999)

Having just completed a round of Tape Headz, we immediately jumped into the next one. The only returning tape was You Got Served, although The Hobbit and Suicide Kings have been discussed as potential nominees for weeks.

This was a tough one to decide. While Dave was vocal about his desire to watch the Cure tape, everyone else's affections were split between multiple films. Everyone thought long and hard.

In the end, the ratings came out like so:

Eyes Wide Shut: 137
The Cure - Galore: 61
America Destroyed By Design: 21
Suicide Kings: 41
Cool Surface: 30
You Got Served: 30
The Hobbit: 40
Ninja Destroyer: 40

Everyone split up their votes, but Josh put 97 of his points to Eyes Wide Shut. Thus, we were thrust into an underground of sex and secrets.

But first we had to figure out next session's returning tapes. Suicide Kings inched it's way to third because Josh gave it one extra point, so The Hobbit and Ninja Destroyers were on the chopping block. Someone called tails on The Hobbit and it made it for the next session.

At nearly three hours long, Eyes Wide Shut was easily the longest film Tape Headz has encountered. It was a struggle, and we had many side conversations, but everyone generally enjoyed the film.

For Kool-Kasting, Nicole and Tom's bizarre over-acting was praised. Visual-Touchdowns had a lot more discussion, including the bright Christmas lights and trees that decorate almost every set. Crystal really appreciated the boob lights in the ballroom scene. The prostitute college student's room received a lot of attention, with everyone pointing out individual aspects of the set design, including how the TV was turned off and the intro to Sociology book sitting on the dresser. Of course, the masquerade orgy and all of the attendees masks were also praised. Everything of note in the film was super visual and Crystal and Josh both gave this category a bonus point for it.

The Sneak-Peaks sucked, limited to a commercial for a site called Kubrickfilms.com. No idea if it still exists and will not check, but most people enjoyed it and gave it one point. Dave and Sean dropped their bonus points on the Eye-Candy section as the film featured numerous naked women. Nicole Kidman's butt was on display repeatedly in the first forty-five minutes. A lot of people really liked the sexy scene where the song from the commercials that's all "She did a bad bad thing" repeated over and over.

Most gave three towards Sweet-Emotion. Tom Cruise's general fear and confusion throughout the film exhibit a ton of drama. Crystal loved the awkward conversation between Tom and Nick Nightingale with the note and password.

Hip-Tunes were all over the place. The "She did a bad bad thing" was great, Nick Nightingale played some great tunes, the orgy drone rules, and the single-note piano motif that appears all over the place were great. Spiffy-Scripting also received threes from most with the generally strange disjointed feel of most conversations really sticking out.

Cover-Appeal was a little more divisive. Dave and Sean said it was ho-hum and gave it a one, while Crystal and Josh both plopped down a two and said they generally liked it. At this point we were really burnt out and couldn't discuss much else outside of how everyone wanted to go to bed. Actually, Dave didn't want to go to bed.

Eyes Wide Shut received some high scores, high enough that it's currently the highest rated Tape Headz film. If it had some better trailers, it probably would have broken the twenty spot. Josh has a hunch that The Cure - Galore, if it has some trailers, might break this record, but we'll just have to wait and see.

FINAL RATING: 19.25

Tape Headz Session 7: Antz (1998)

When Sean pulled Antz out of his bag, it lit up the room. Everybody started discussing Antz and A Bugs Life. Josh recalled A Bugs Life having a horrible story and everyone agreed, while Dave and Sean discussed how little the ant on the front looked like Woody Allen.

We weren't really doing anything before we started, but I made Sean take this picture where it looked like he was doing something anyway.

For the selections, only the previous top four returned, and surprisingly, none of them received many votes. 

UFO Government Cover-Ups: 20

Antz: 140

Duran Duran - Greatest The Videos: 50

Eyes Wide Shut: 50

Alien 3: 20

What Women Want: 20

The Cure - Galore: 50

Ninja Destroyer: 50

Nothing received zero votes, which was refreshing, but Sean packed all of his votes on Antz and Crystal also gave it forty points.

As we had an unprecedented four-way tie for second, we had to flip a coin for Ninja Destroyer and The Cure, then a separate one for Duran Duran and Eyes Wide Shut. Ninja Destroyer and Eyes Wide Shut, and the final coin toss was in The Cure's favor.

Jay sent us a meme that greatly empowered us.

People were generally in favor the of the Kool-Kasting, with Christopher Walken, Gene Hackman Sylvester Stallone, Woody Allen, Danny Glover, and a million other celebrity voice actors. Sean even gave it his bonus point. Visual-Touchdowns were a big deal. People liked the angular style of the computer-animated ants, while others were impressed by the giant magnifying glass section.

The only sneak peaks were crappy trailers of the Prince of Egypt and Babe: Pig in the City. We have yet to find a film that received unanimous threes for sneak peeks. Eye-Candy was relegated to the beefy Sylvester Stallone ant by Sean and me.

Sweet-Emotion oozed from the film. Josh's personal favorite was Sylvester Stallone and some random worker ants love, while others generally appreciated the drama and romance of it all. Nobody gave it less than a two. Dave and Sean gave it Hip-Tunes for the dance scene's music and for the screaming doppler effect on a shoe.

Spiffy-Scripting points were given by many for the general plot and for some great lines. "The little guy made it" and "You dah ant!" were Sean's favorites, while Dave generally appreciated the more mature tone of the film compared to crap like A Bug's Life. Everyone gave two for Cover-Appeal except Dave, who really felt like it summed up the film perfectly.

We decided to rate another film about three minutes later, so that's coming up next!

FINAL RATING: 12.5

Tape Headz Session 6: Small Soldiers (1998)

I made Sean leave over his copy of Small Soldiers since it made the top four last time. It's funny, he told everyone that he actually borrowed it from a family member intending on returning it that night. Evidently Sean really trusts us to take care of someone else's stuff. That's what you risk when putting stuff up for the vote I guess.

Anyway, here are the films!

Two of last weeks tops are knocked out of contention. Mortal Kombat Annihilation  was predictable since Justin single-handedly voted it in the top four, but lack of The Black Hole love was definitely a surprise. Small Soldiers was the only one everyone put points to, so it's no surprise that it won out.

Small Soldiers - 100

Alien 3 - 70

What Women Want - 50

UFO Government Cover- 60

The Black Hole - 40

Gamera - 50

Mortal Kombat Annihilation - 0

You Got Served - 30

Dave votes. Note his both hands and toes giving input.

There was a distinct lack of Sneak-Peaks, with only a commercial for the film's toyline, soundtrack, and video game. It's use of Edwin Starr's classic "War" amused everyone though and we all gave it a point.

Kool-Kasting received at least a two from everyone, with Phil Hartman, Jay Mohr, David Cross, Tommy Lee Jones, and Dennis Leary giving the film a ridiculously '90s cast. It starts strong with some ridiculous scenes involving Jay Mohr and David Cross being bumbling toy goofs and Dennis Leary just doing his "I eat red meat and talk really fast" schtick.

Visual-Touchdown's were much more divisive: only Dave gave it more than a one. While most of us were only impressed by the animatronic's for the Archer character and a Powerman 5000 poster, Dave was nostalgic for the ridiculous CG toys. The one Archer scene in particular that won the majority of us is when he's getting licked by a cat.

While some gave an Eye-Candy point for Kirsten Dunst, Sweet-Emotion was felt by all at the aforementioned Archer cat-lick. Crystal gave it another point for Archer's badassery, while others appreciated the Phil Hartman blooper at the end. Everyone gave one Hip-Tune for the inclusion of the "War" song.

Crystal and Josh gave Spiffy-Scripting one point, while Sean gave it two and Dave gave it three. There's definitely a lot more going on under the hood than any eight year old could comprehend, with all sorts of anti-materialism jokes and there's-too-much-violence-for-kids going on, but we all agreed it's weird that the film quickly became subject to a crass consumer campaign. We recalled all the action figure ads prominently showing off the bad guy soldiers, ignoring the good guy Gorgonites entirely. The film's pretty edgy, but it feels dumbed down in most ways. The teenage boy lead gets stabbed like thirty times and there's a little blood, but he just shrugs it off like nothing ever happened. The soldiers make all sorts of lewd comments at a set of Barbie dolls, cutting to their breasts and at one point a vacant bed, but the Barbies only get used as a secondary army. While the film also constantly alludes to how the lead is a badass who got kicked out of school(s), it never bothers to show how he's a degenerate. In fact, he looks like a sniveling nerd.

Still, there's quite a bit of good humor, especially at the beginning where Nick Nitro's face appears on a screen and he shouts his name really loud. Archer constantly repeating the word "Gorgonites" for the first forty-five minutes of the film was pretty cool too. Unfortunately, nobody gave the cover any points because it's awful.

The film scored 8/8/12/16, giving it a final score of 11. This puts it above the bottom rung of the reviews but still below the majority of films that everyone enjoyed, so it sounds legit.

FINAL RATING: 11

Tape Headz Session 5: Friday the 13th - The Final Chapter (1984)

With six people voting, this was the largest session of Tape Headz yet, and the points were all over the place. Friday the 13th part 4 has been in the top four since the second tape, so its final selection has been much anticipated.

A lot of great tapes were entered this time, making it difficult to fully comprehend what happened. The Black Hole received a striking amount of points, while Mortal Kombat Annihilation was single-handedly voted into the top four. Wired to Kill, a film that's been in the top four twice, received absolutely no points. Regardless, Friday the 13th won by an enormous margin. It's worth noting that the fourth highest placing film received a mere 29 points, which says a lot about how low the bottom four were.

Small Soldiers: 29
Mortal Kombat Annihilation: 105
Arena: 26
Friday the 13th - The Final Chapter: 214
Detroit Rock City: 11
Wired To Kill: 0
The Skateboard Kid: 20
The Black Hole: 145

Tabulating the results. 

Friday the 13th - The Final Chapter won a lot of people over. While the film was noted throughout for lacking suspense in many scenes and having absolutely no plot, it performed well in most categories despite having no Sneak-Peaks.

Cover-Appeal got straights twos down the line for almost everyone. The front graphic is striking, while the back photos are pretty great.Emily was sad Jason never got stabbed in the eye like his mask is on the front.

Crispin Glover's role as the dead fuck Jimbo was praised alongside Cory Feldman as Tommy Jarvis, a strange boy who likes looking at naked girls and making Hollywood quality masks and make up effects. Many gave points for Axel, the sleazy morgue attendant who likes watching sexy exercise programs, an Eye-Candy point that most people gave. Most gave Eye-candy points for a sexy dude with a mullet that's also on the back cover. Some gave Eye-Candy points for the beautiful dog Gordon while others actually gave points for chicks. Overall, Eye-Candy ranged all over the place, but Kool-Kasting was maxed out by all.

Sweet-Emotion was given twos and threes by almost everyone. Cory Feldman bouncing in bed like a monkey and male-bonding with a random Jason hunter aside, most Sweet-Emotions again revolved around Jimbo. His general blossoming from virgin into not virgin, his seizure-like dancing, and his renouncing of the title dead fuck. Hip-Tunes were given for the great heavy metal song that plays during Jimbo's dance grooves and for the general score.

Spiffy-Scripting was also praised by many, including several great lines. "You're the Super Bowl of self-abuse", "There is no computer!/And there is no betty.", "Some pack of petutsies, uh?", "He thinks that's funny. He think's that's a funny thing he's doing" were all great lines that everyone thought were very spiffy.

Visual-Touchdowns were the crowning achievement.

At one point, one of the random twins is looking out her window...

...Jason throws her out a window...











...and she falls onto a car. All of the car's windows explode on impact.







It's insane. Other Visual-Touchdown's include the title exploding through Jason's mask, the other twin shown being stabbed through some lightning shadows, Axel's head getting twisted off, a girl eating a banana and squeezing it to pieces when she's killed, and Gordon jumping out of a window barely in frame.

In all, the film got 18, 18, 21, 17, 19, and 13. Everyone had positive things to say, and the average score beat out Worth Winning by .666 points. Will The Man Behind The Mask return to Tape Headz™? Only time will tell.

FINAL RATING: 17.666

Tape Headz Session 4: The Jazz Singer (1980)

Returning tapes Wired to Kill and Hard 'n' Heavy were no match for the voting juggernaut that was The Jazz Singer. Friday the 13th part 4 came pretty close: both received a hundred votes from specific people, and had Friday the 13th part 4 received only six more points, it would have won. Crystal's love of Neil Diamond and Emily's interest in jazz singers was victorious. Many good tapes received no points this time.

Friday the 13th part 4: 125

Wired to Kill: 45

Hard 'n' Heavy: 0

Mesmerized: 10

Young Doctors in Love: 30

Arena: 60
Time of the Apes: 0
The Jazz Singer: 130

There was a total debacle involving the selection of the film that shall never be discussed and will
never be repeated again.








Popcorn was had by all. Josh ate pickles, gin, and iced tea. A manatee named Manny joined Crystal and Emily on the couch. Andy's butt put the tape in for everyone to see.

Manny was played with a lot. Josh complained almost non-stop the whole duration of the film. Andy said it wasn't that bad. Crystal ate up every moment in it. Emily just didn't know what to think: why was this film called The Jazz Singer when there is no jazz in sight?




To make it brief, The Jazz Singer is a remake of the first talkie film ever, now starring Neil Diamond and his menagerie of soft rock hits. There are frequent moments where someone is playing something fast and he intentionally slows it down or switches to an altogether more depressing song. People's attachment to the songs greatly affected their enjoyment of the film: Andy and Crystal both said they loved songs like "America", while Emily and Josh scratched their heads.

In general, there were cool likable characters: the black men and the old Jewish guys were great, but Neil Diamond's character was agreed to be a huge dick. He left his wife and dad in New York to start a career, screws that up by making a song more boring, screws up his marriage and starts a new relationship before they're divorced. Eventually Neil Diamond's awesomely Jewish dad realizes Neil is having this California floozie's pizza and Jew dad tears his coat to show that he wants his son dead. Neil then abandons his new love interest who, unbeknownst to him, is having a baby. He eventually comes back, then becomes a mega superstar again anyway. There are no repercussions for his dickwad actions.

Everyone agreed that there was Kool-Kasting because of the dad character, and everyone agreed there was a lot of Sweet-Emotion revolving around his character. There's a great scene where everyone sings and dances around the dad and another where Neil and him reconcile.

Visual-Touchdowns are mostly related to Neil Diamond's clothes. He wears a lot of glittery shirts in the film which received a number of votes, but everyone generally agreed that the film's finale in which he wears a glittery scarf and lasers start appearing out of nowhere was the real highlight.

Hip-Tunes received a bonus point from Crystal and two from Andy. They both enjoyed the Neil Diamond and a new wavey British guy's interpretation of one of his songs. Emily left it at 0 for the lack of jazz, while Josh just said screw everything.

Few Spiffy-Scripting points were given, with Emily giving 0 and Josh and Andy both giving it 1. Crystal gave it 2, mostly for her love of Neil Diamond. The others agreed that while there was the occasional good line, Diamond's character was portrayed as too big of a dick to receive high marks.

Emily gave the film it's sole Eye-Candy point for all the old Jewish men in the synagogue scenes.

The cover was a point of much contention. Josh liked the cover graphic and little else, Andy liked the images on the back of Neil Diamond standing around, Emily said it gave her false hope of jazz, and Crystal gave it full points because Neil Diamond was all over it. Emily was deeply distraught that there was no jazz in the film.

Emily and Josh both gave it 5, Andy gave it a 10, and Crystal a 16. Friday the 13th, Arena, and Wired to Kill are still up for the next session.

FINAL RATING: 8.1