Tape Headz Sessions 15, 16, 17: Catching Up With the Tape Headz Crew

Session 15: Light Years (1987)

Flatliners - 20
Light Years - 155
Heavenly Kid - 19
Mortal Kombat Annihilation - 90
Getting Even With Dad - 20
The 6th Day - 60
Akira - 19
Last Action Hero - 75

A lot of people voted for Light Years. Getting Even With Dad was finally dethroned, and MK: Annihilation wound its way back into the mix after what feels like the bizzilionth time. The crown was taken by newcomer Light Years.

The following notes were taken:

"I will give my li-..." "Sylvain! No bravado!"
"Pew Pew Pew"
"Sassy Sylvain"
"The Deformed?"
"I don't steal, but I might borrow."
"Well, that's the end of you."
"Sliding on dick"
"Spermie"
"Crab fighter"
"Thing sucking titties, titty mountain, buck boobs (?)"
"Three-eyed critters"
"Bird gets shot in face"
"Was Will Be Now"
"Visceral environments"
"Jennifer Grey"
"Glenn Close"
"Disappearing shirt"
"Body in foreground during head stealing"

It easily dethroned previous champ Eyes Wide Shut. The film ended with a whopping 20.2, which we thought would be the highest rating of any tape..but it wouldn't be for long...

FINAL RATING: 20.2

Session 16: Mortal Kombat Annihilation (1997)

...but it wasn't going to be dethroned by this movie.

The Heavenly Kid - 20

Last Action Hero - 15

Mortal Kombat Annihilation - 110

The Island of Dr. Moreau - 0

Night Visitor - 79.725

The Man Who Wasn't There - 0

Project Metal Beast - 33.275

Tank Girl - 35

None of the last session made it into the top four excluding the winner: Mortal Kombat Annihilation. Justin and Josh gave it mega points, but were thoroughly disappointed by what ensued.

Some notes taken:

"This is not good."

"Annihilate 'em!"

"You do look good in mud."

"Misused Ermac"

"Black guy and bad guy"

"Destroy all expectations"

"It is glorious (jumps to talk to father)"

"You're gonna wish you were in high school." "Say what?!"

"Jax is sweet"

"Too many characters."

"YOU...FAILEDME!!!"

"Mr. Ed is mine!"

"Animality (animality) animality (animality)"

This movie was so bad that the Tape Headz Committee agreed to a new rule: the minus one point. Just as we were allowed to give a bonus point to a film, we're allowed to subtract a point for anything that's so spectacularly terrible. The only requirement: an explanation must be given and someone must agree and vouch for your lost point. Obviously if two people give one category a minus one, they're vouching for them, but formal disclosure of your reasoning is still required.

Josh and Crystal gave the Visual-Touchdowns a minus one for the dreadful CG sprinkled throughout the film. Justin put his on Spiffy-Scripting for the continuity issues between this and the first film, while also criticizing the poor pacing and the stories focus on Liu Kang's animality that went nowhere. Our lowest rating yet.

FINAL RATING: 7.33

Session 17: Tank Girl (1995)

Project Metalbeast - 0

Tank Girl - 91

Night Visitor - 80 

The Paper - 25

Return to Me - 37.25

Mario Bros - 13.5

The Watcher - 51.25

Death Run - 1

Justin lumped a ton of points onto Tank Girl, which everyone was grateful for in the end. We also made leftover nachos.

Some notes:

"You buttsmear!"

"Drinking his enemies"

"The moment I feel teeth, you feel lead"

"2 friend scares"

"1 enemy scare"

"Like a piece of cheese at the end of a fishing hook"

"Rippers scene"

"You're so beautiful it makes me sick"

"Background dialogue"

"I say we hump 'em!"

"Ain't gonna be no crumpets and tea!"

"Poem"

"Death"

"Found kid"

"Lori"

"Malcom"

"Iggy Pop"

"Skulls scene"

"Bow and arrow"

"Bush, Portishead, Hole, L7, Bjork"

"The script is good!"

"Wanker t-shirt"

Things started iffy with a pair of crappy trailers, but things really turned around when the film actually started. With a great cover that earned nothing less than two points, everyone quickly filled up the rest of the score sheet. The only real question was where were the bonus points going. Justin put a full extra on Visual-Touchdown, while Josh and Crystal both slapped two bonus halves on Hip-Tunes and Spiffy-Scripting. The film was like a Tape Headz dream come true, and everyone was elated as heck at the end of the session. Tank Girl is our new champion!

FINAL RATING: 22.16666666

Tape Headz Sessions 13 and 14: Hard 'n' Heavy and The Killer

The lost Tape Headz session.

Weeks ago, we voted for Hard 'n' Heavy, the metal music compilation tape. We know that Gamera, Space Adventure Cobra, and Getting Even With Dad were in the top four, but the documents regarding our rating have been lost when I got a newer, much larger couch. It rated in the 14-16 range, but without any documents, it's impossible to give a finite score.

FINAL RATING: ???

For session 15, Tape Headz was preceded by a long POG sorting session.

We started at around 10:00 and sorted for an hour and a half before taking a break. Today we will finish this task and continue with another Tape Headz, but our fourteenth nominees were given points like so:

Mortal Kombat Annihilation: 51

The 6th Day: 41

Buck Rodgers: 0

The Killer: 95

Porky's: 31

Gamera: 1

Getting Even With Dad: 48

Space Adventure Cobra: 33

Josh's sole 95 points towards The Killer sparked controversy, as did some other events that occurred while viewing. Crystal fell asleep, which greatly altered the final score of the film. The Tape Headz committee will discuss potential alterations to the rules, although one possible suggestion was quite popular: the veto law. Currently, the idea is that participants would be given the option to veto a tape twice ever. Once vetoed, a tape would not be eligible for nomination for a determined amount of time. One idea was to do two years, then if it was vetoed more times its banning period would double repeatedly: two vetoes would make it four years, and three would be eight. The council will discuss this matter further.

For those who remained awake, Justin gave the film a very high 19, putting three points on visual-touchdown, sneak-peak for the amazing Zeiram trailer, sweet-emotion, and hip-tunes. Spiffy-scripting won the extra point, while the abysmal cover only got one. Justin's notes are as follows:

-Chow Yung Fat's mustache/master of disguise

-So many deaths

-Chang has a huge heart. He's a hero!

-"Sir. I do nothing for nobody."

-"There's no way our for us"

-"Right, nurses, ignore them."

-Draw a police sketch from a police sketch

-aTeleporting Chow

-Jennie the murderer

-Final fight scene is amazing!

Josh gave four points for the visual-touchdown, three for sweet-emotion and hip-tunes, and twos and zeros for other categories, while Crystal passed out after only awarding four points.

Excluding Crystal's vote, the film would have made it up to 17.5, the highest Tape Headz yet, but as it stands, it gets an undeserved 13. We may have to redo both of these sessions sometime. 

FINAL RATING: 13

Tape Headz Session 12: Groundhog Day (1993)

Not so long ago, it felt like Groundhog Day was on TBS every afternoon. It was like a big in-joke in the studio: just like Bill Murray was stuck in the same repeated loop for 11,000 (or somewhere around 30 years), we'd be watching it over and over for close to eternity.

So when Crystal said she wanted something either comedy, drama, or horror, he went straight for the Groundhog Day.

You won't believe how the points went:

September 30th, 1955 - 0

You've Got Mail - 0

Flatliners - 0

Mortal Kombat Annihilation - 33

Getting Even With Dad - 33

Space Adventure Cobra - 33

Hard N Heavy Vol. 10 - 100

Groundhog Day - 101

Groundhog Day won by one point. Returning films September 30th, 1955 and You've Got Mail (sealed with a mouse pad) were knocked out of the running. We gave Space Adventure Cobra a by in the coin flip to determine the three way tie for third and fourth place, and Getting Even With Dad beat out MK Annihilation. 

The first thing we noted was how bad the cover was: Billy Murray's stuck in a clock and seems pretty complacent about it. Meanwhile, if you note the size of the chick, her head's like three times smaller than said clock. If that's the case, imagine how big that window actually is, especially considering the enormous drape. Even worse, the film takes place on Groundhog Day, a winter event, but the background looks like an autumn dusk. Really, really strange design decisions.

Justin was surprised with how much he enjoyed the film. He jotted down the most stuff-he-loved notes:

1. Phil kills the groundhog

2. "She's fun, but not my kind of fun."

3. Booing a groundhog

4. "Is it snowing in space?"

5. "Wuhuhuhuh" -Ned

6. Phil the cop killer

7. Creepy Bill Murray gets slapped over and over on Groundhog Day.

Justin was prepared to give the film three full points plus the bonus for Spiffy-Scripting, but was severely disappointed by the ending. 

Josh awarded Sneak-Peaks the bonus point, with three full Sneak-Peaks. The Pickle in particular wowed the crowd, an R-rated film about a man making a film about a flying pickle.

Crystal only gave the film one Eye-Candy point, but otherwise gave most things two and with a couple threes.

In the end, Justin gave it a 19, Crystal gave it 17, and Josh gave it 16. This leaves Space Adventure Cobra, Getting Even With Dad, and Hard 'n' Heavy Volume 10 for the next session.

FINAL RATING: 17.3

Tape Headz Sessions 9, 10, 11, and State of the Union

Tape Headz has been on indefinite hold while I sorted out my career change from mild mannered teacher to entrepreneur, but now that things are starting to calm down, I think it's time that Tape Headz made a comeback.

Session #9 was the Hobbit, which scored 15 points with five in attendance. Some voted 19, some voted 11, balancing it out to an average-ish score.

#10 was Jack's Back, which scored a reasonable 11.6.

The last Tape Headz (#11) was The Cool Surface starring Robert Patrick and Lois Lane. It won on a three way coin flip and scored 16.5, an admirable score for such a weird movie.

The remainders from the last top four are September 30th, 1955, the Space Adventure Cobra, and You've Got Mail. We'll be back soon!

Tape Headz Session 8: Eyes Wide Shut (1999)

Having just completed a round of Tape Headz, we immediately jumped into the next one. The only returning tape was You Got Served, although The Hobbit and Suicide Kings have been discussed as potential nominees for weeks.

This was a tough one to decide. While Dave was vocal about his desire to watch the Cure tape, everyone else's affections were split between multiple films. Everyone thought long and hard.

In the end, the ratings came out like so:

Eyes Wide Shut: 137
The Cure - Galore: 61
America Destroyed By Design: 21
Suicide Kings: 41
Cool Surface: 30
You Got Served: 30
The Hobbit: 40
Ninja Destroyer: 40

Everyone split up their votes, but Josh put 97 of his points to Eyes Wide Shut. Thus, we were thrust into an underground of sex and secrets.

But first we had to figure out next session's returning tapes. Suicide Kings inched it's way to third because Josh gave it one extra point, so The Hobbit and Ninja Destroyers were on the chopping block. Someone called tails on The Hobbit and it made it for the next session.

At nearly three hours long, Eyes Wide Shut was easily the longest film Tape Headz has encountered. It was a struggle, and we had many side conversations, but everyone generally enjoyed the film.

For Kool-Kasting, Nicole and Tom's bizarre over-acting was praised. Visual-Touchdowns had a lot more discussion, including the bright Christmas lights and trees that decorate almost every set. Crystal really appreciated the boob lights in the ballroom scene. The prostitute college student's room received a lot of attention, with everyone pointing out individual aspects of the set design, including how the TV was turned off and the intro to Sociology book sitting on the dresser. Of course, the masquerade orgy and all of the attendees masks were also praised. Everything of note in the film was super visual and Crystal and Josh both gave this category a bonus point for it.

The Sneak-Peaks sucked, limited to a commercial for a site called Kubrickfilms.com. No idea if it still exists and will not check, but most people enjoyed it and gave it one point. Dave and Sean dropped their bonus points on the Eye-Candy section as the film featured numerous naked women. Nicole Kidman's butt was on display repeatedly in the first forty-five minutes. A lot of people really liked the sexy scene where the song from the commercials that's all "She did a bad bad thing" repeated over and over.

Most gave three towards Sweet-Emotion. Tom Cruise's general fear and confusion throughout the film exhibit a ton of drama. Crystal loved the awkward conversation between Tom and Nick Nightingale with the note and password.

Hip-Tunes were all over the place. The "She did a bad bad thing" was great, Nick Nightingale played some great tunes, the orgy drone rules, and the single-note piano motif that appears all over the place were great. Spiffy-Scripting also received threes from most with the generally strange disjointed feel of most conversations really sticking out.

Cover-Appeal was a little more divisive. Dave and Sean said it was ho-hum and gave it a one, while Crystal and Josh both plopped down a two and said they generally liked it. At this point we were really burnt out and couldn't discuss much else outside of how everyone wanted to go to bed. Actually, Dave didn't want to go to bed.

Eyes Wide Shut received some high scores, high enough that it's currently the highest rated Tape Headz film. If it had some better trailers, it probably would have broken the twenty spot. Josh has a hunch that The Cure - Galore, if it has some trailers, might break this record, but we'll just have to wait and see.

FINAL RATING: 19.25

Tape Headz Session 7: Antz (1998)

When Sean pulled Antz out of his bag, it lit up the room. Everybody started discussing Antz and A Bugs Life. Josh recalled A Bugs Life having a horrible story and everyone agreed, while Dave and Sean discussed how little the ant on the front looked like Woody Allen.

We weren't really doing anything before we started, but I made Sean take this picture where it looked like he was doing something anyway.

For the selections, only the previous top four returned, and surprisingly, none of them received many votes. 

UFO Government Cover-Ups: 20

Antz: 140

Duran Duran - Greatest The Videos: 50

Eyes Wide Shut: 50

Alien 3: 20

What Women Want: 20

The Cure - Galore: 50

Ninja Destroyer: 50

Nothing received zero votes, which was refreshing, but Sean packed all of his votes on Antz and Crystal also gave it forty points.

As we had an unprecedented four-way tie for second, we had to flip a coin for Ninja Destroyer and The Cure, then a separate one for Duran Duran and Eyes Wide Shut. Ninja Destroyer and Eyes Wide Shut, and the final coin toss was in The Cure's favor.

Jay sent us a meme that greatly empowered us.

People were generally in favor the of the Kool-Kasting, with Christopher Walken, Gene Hackman Sylvester Stallone, Woody Allen, Danny Glover, and a million other celebrity voice actors. Sean even gave it his bonus point. Visual-Touchdowns were a big deal. People liked the angular style of the computer-animated ants, while others were impressed by the giant magnifying glass section.

The only sneak peaks were crappy trailers of the Prince of Egypt and Babe: Pig in the City. We have yet to find a film that received unanimous threes for sneak peeks. Eye-Candy was relegated to the beefy Sylvester Stallone ant by Sean and me.

Sweet-Emotion oozed from the film. Josh's personal favorite was Sylvester Stallone and some random worker ants love, while others generally appreciated the drama and romance of it all. Nobody gave it less than a two. Dave and Sean gave it Hip-Tunes for the dance scene's music and for the screaming doppler effect on a shoe.

Spiffy-Scripting points were given by many for the general plot and for some great lines. "The little guy made it" and "You dah ant!" were Sean's favorites, while Dave generally appreciated the more mature tone of the film compared to crap like A Bug's Life. Everyone gave two for Cover-Appeal except Dave, who really felt like it summed up the film perfectly.

We decided to rate another film about three minutes later, so that's coming up next!

FINAL RATING: 12.5

Tape Headz Session 6: Small Soldiers (1998)

I made Sean leave over his copy of Small Soldiers since it made the top four last time. It's funny, he told everyone that he actually borrowed it from a family member intending on returning it that night. Evidently Sean really trusts us to take care of someone else's stuff. That's what you risk when putting stuff up for the vote I guess.

Anyway, here are the films!

Two of last weeks tops are knocked out of contention. Mortal Kombat Annihilation  was predictable since Justin single-handedly voted it in the top four, but lack of The Black Hole love was definitely a surprise. Small Soldiers was the only one everyone put points to, so it's no surprise that it won out.

Small Soldiers - 100

Alien 3 - 70

What Women Want - 50

UFO Government Cover- 60

The Black Hole - 40

Gamera - 50

Mortal Kombat Annihilation - 0

You Got Served - 30

Dave votes. Note his both hands and toes giving input.

There was a distinct lack of Sneak-Peaks, with only a commercial for the film's toyline, soundtrack, and video game. It's use of Edwin Starr's classic "War" amused everyone though and we all gave it a point.

Kool-Kasting received at least a two from everyone, with Phil Hartman, Jay Mohr, David Cross, Tommy Lee Jones, and Dennis Leary giving the film a ridiculously '90s cast. It starts strong with some ridiculous scenes involving Jay Mohr and David Cross being bumbling toy goofs and Dennis Leary just doing his "I eat red meat and talk really fast" schtick.

Visual-Touchdown's were much more divisive: only Dave gave it more than a one. While most of us were only impressed by the animatronic's for the Archer character and a Powerman 5000 poster, Dave was nostalgic for the ridiculous CG toys. The one Archer scene in particular that won the majority of us is when he's getting licked by a cat.

While some gave an Eye-Candy point for Kirsten Dunst, Sweet-Emotion was felt by all at the aforementioned Archer cat-lick. Crystal gave it another point for Archer's badassery, while others appreciated the Phil Hartman blooper at the end. Everyone gave one Hip-Tune for the inclusion of the "War" song.

Crystal and Josh gave Spiffy-Scripting one point, while Sean gave it two and Dave gave it three. There's definitely a lot more going on under the hood than any eight year old could comprehend, with all sorts of anti-materialism jokes and there's-too-much-violence-for-kids going on, but we all agreed it's weird that the film quickly became subject to a crass consumer campaign. We recalled all the action figure ads prominently showing off the bad guy soldiers, ignoring the good guy Gorgonites entirely. The film's pretty edgy, but it feels dumbed down in most ways. The teenage boy lead gets stabbed like thirty times and there's a little blood, but he just shrugs it off like nothing ever happened. The soldiers make all sorts of lewd comments at a set of Barbie dolls, cutting to their breasts and at one point a vacant bed, but the Barbies only get used as a secondary army. While the film also constantly alludes to how the lead is a badass who got kicked out of school(s), it never bothers to show how he's a degenerate. In fact, he looks like a sniveling nerd.

Still, there's quite a bit of good humor, especially at the beginning where Nick Nitro's face appears on a screen and he shouts his name really loud. Archer constantly repeating the word "Gorgonites" for the first forty-five minutes of the film was pretty cool too. Unfortunately, nobody gave the cover any points because it's awful.

The film scored 8/8/12/16, giving it a final score of 11. This puts it above the bottom rung of the reviews but still below the majority of films that everyone enjoyed, so it sounds legit.

FINAL RATING: 11